Going "No Contact" with a Narcissistic Parent

Last summer I decided to go ‘no contact’ with my narcissistic mother. I hope that sharing my account may help others suffering at the hands of a narcissist, or help those on their own journey of no (or restricted) contact. 

My experience of a toxic parent has shaped the very essence of who I am and how I talk to myself. Her actions and being have had a profound impact on who I am yet there’s so much I’ve kept quiet. The streams of insults behind closed doors, the constant gaslighting, manipulation and questionable characters she allowed into our family home. I’ve believed her lies that I’m to blame for hers and our family’s misfortunes and that I’ll never be good enough. From a young age I was made to feel responsible for all her emotions and events far out of my control - including the death of my father when I was 5-years-old. It feels like a weight is slowly being lifted by finally revealing my truth.

My decision to go no-contact was made after I witnessed my mum treating my eldest daughter the same way she would treat me. She was putting her down and telling her she wasn’t performing properly while she danced, sang and played a toy instrument. An action that warranted no serious or excessive adult critique. I was fetching drinks from the kitchen when I heard my daughter begging my mum to stop. As I ran towards the crying, all I could see was my daughter in floods of tears, backing away from my mum who continued her tirade of verbal abuse on how my daughter wasn’t doing anything right. As I comforted my daughter, I calming and firmly asked my mum to stop. She quickly became defensive and launched into one of her usual episodes. She continued to tell my daughter how crazy she was for playing in such a way, and questioned how she would ever succeed at school if she couldn’t handle her words (just before my daughter was due to start a new school). She stormed round the house, declaring she was leaving, while moving frantically between different rooms and in and out of the house. Her attention quickly turned to me, calling me a bitch, a bully and a bad mother. I asked if she could stop her rampage for the sake of her distraught granddaughter, and put a 7-year-old’s feelings above her own, to which she replied “what about me?”

This last interaction with my mum is a typical few hours spent in her company. No visit is complete without some kind of harsh critique, insult, angry outburst or argument. There’s drama every single time. Misunderstandings that could easily be talked through and rectified turn into verbal wars. These interactions, coupled with the years of emotional abuse and neglect is why I’ve finally decided that I deserve better. Enough is enough and I wont let my own children experience any of what I had to live through; which was made worse by the fact that my dad died, and there was no longer anyone else in the house to protect me and my brother from her. We were never openly able to grieve his passing either, it didn’t matter to her that her two children had just lost their dad. It was only her that apparently suffered when he passed, because she was left raising two children on her own, one of whom she said she never wanted (guess who she said that was).

I’m very much in recovery from having such a person as a parent. Becoming a mother myself after the experiences I've had, has resurfaced so many old wounds. Haunting wounds that can cloud my thoughts, shatter my confidence and bring me such overwhelming sadness and shame. Shame I’m learning isn’t mine and shouldn’t sit with me. My experience as a daughter of a narcissist can make me question my gut feeling, especially when it comes to parenting decisions and it makes me fearful of how to discipline. Shouting was a constant growing up and I never want to create a home like that, but with young children you inevitably end up raising your voice from time to time! When I do, fear that I’m turning into my mum kicks in and I find myself once again overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I'm having to learn how to be a parent, while re-parenting myself at the same time - giving my scared, confused and insecure inner child the love she has always deserved but never received.

I last spoke to my mum 5 months ago and it’s felt as though I’ve been grieving ever since. Grieving the loss of hope I had that one day I’d eventually have a kind, supportive and empathic mum, who could love me unconditionally and be happy for me. The last time I saw her I had only one wish - to go 24 hours in her company without an argument, without being told that the pain in her life is all my fault, without being called names or criticised. My wish did not come true.

When I allow myself to think of all the details and the misery I've felt having such a toxic mother in my life, I feel confident in my current decision to not speak to her; but that does not make it easy. There have been days I've struggled to get out of bed, beside myself with sadness of my reality, but that still does not compare to the struggles I face with her in my life. The migraines and breakdowns I would have as a result of interactions with her, the crippling guilt and self-doubt. The alternative to no contact is no longer an option. I tried and nothing changed, not for long anyway.

I now choose me, my health and my family. I will never let history repeat itself and I vow to do better, for myself and for my daughters.